Lately I have been super duper consumed by my kids (said every mom, ever). As you may or may not know, I have half a dozen of them ranging from 10 months, to 14 years. Providing nutrition via the womb requires a placenta, which apparently is formed by all of a mother’s brain cells, rendering her an incoherent shell of a being during pregnancy and motherhood thereafter. I have found my phone in the refrigerator. I will shout out random nouns in an attempt to ask someone to pass me something. “Diane, please hand me the (attempted word here is “spatula”) dog, er the salt.. I mean, that! The uh KEYS. CRANK NABBIT THE THING I STIR WITH!!
My brain is cabbage.
I think this has been a contributing factor in a larger issue I’ve had in my faith life. While trying to navigate some complexities with homeschooling, I’ve been in prayer and feeling like God is on the other side of something thick and tall, something hard to see over, through, or around. I know He’s on the other end of the line, but I just can’t make out what He’s saying. Maybe I’m just too distracted. My mind is too messy for some clear communication with my Maker. But if I’m being honest with myself, I know in my heart that He’s calling me to my bible. I realize that sounds super tight and tidy. A simple statement that I’m sure can be found word for word in more than a few Christian publications. So what’s the hold up?
I’ve never been a great bible-reader. Is that a thing? I have read and read, and often it seemed to blow right past me. I know there are so many beautiful and complex messages in there, but I don’t feel qualified to identify them. Mom brain and all. So I prefer to leave that to the pros. Whether I let If:Equip walk me through a passage, or my pastors, or a beautifully bound devotional that looks so pretty next to my coffee cup. And I’m sure those are all good things. Like, REALLY good things. But right now, I feel a whisper in my heart that is asking me to come directly to the Word. I have this voice telling me that any self doubt (you won’t get it, it’s too deep, too wordy, it gets boring and over your head) is coming from an enemy. This morning, I yield to that voice instead of the enemy. Because I think that voice is the Holy Spirit telling me that God’s Word is waiting for me. This morning I want to do more to draw close to the Lord.
So before I started this post, I opened Acts. It’s a book I love, because it’s the very beginning of this side of Victory. It’s where the Church, armed with the Holy Spirit, picks up and starts it’s mission. But when I opened Acts, the first verse begins “In my former book, Theophilus, I wrote about all the Jesus began to do and teach…” and in that moment I knew I needed to start with Luke (the book referred to in this passage). And so I did.
That experience right there? That’s being led by the Spirit. It’s not always big, or loud, or newsworthy. But it was sweet, like a kiss on the head I give my kiddos when they’re being obedient and actually doing that bit of copywork that might not seem super rich or vital, but has this important purpose in their learning. Thank you Holy Spirit, because I know that you know the state of my mind. You know my struggles and weaknesses, and you have no expectations that surpass my own abilities. Instead, you provide me any clarity I need, even if only a little bit. It’s all for a greater purpose, and I trust You with my messy mind.